Are you the tiger or the turtle in your relationship?
It’s evolutionary…
- The “old brain” (brain stem & limbic system) has a core mission to protect us from danger – leading to the “fight, flight or freeze” responses, which either maximize or minimize how energy is expended.
- Conflict in relationships is perceived by the old brain as a threat – leading to the same types of responses.
- When threatened, there are two reactive styles
- Tigers go outward, expanding their emotional expression.
- Turtles go inward, constricting their emotional expression
What they think and say…
| “Maximizer” The Tiger “I am the feeling one” “I keep us together.” “I am the committed one.” “I’m the one who cares.” P.S. Remember, even tigers give up | “Minimizer” The Turtle “I never start fights>” “I stay rational. “I keep things calm.” “I don’t hurt my partner” P.S. Remember, some turtles are snappers |
Get to know your style
Using the chart below, mark (X) the item in each row, as it applies to you most often in your relationships. Remember, all of us can have both tiger & turtle responses depending on the context; usually one is our favored response.
| Turtles | Tigers | ||
| When I get upset I tend to… | When I get upset I tend to… | ||
| – feel tight inside and do not verbalize my emotions | – express my feelings with a lot of energy | ||
| – adopt a “I’ll take care of myself/I don’t need anyone attitude | – turn to others & talk to them about what I’m going through | ||
| – not be able to tell my partner why I’m upset | – tell my partner all about my upset | ||
| – express few, if any, needs | – need others around when I’m upset and am open with my feelings | ||
| – exclude others from my personal space | – express my needs verbally and try to get my partner to hear and to respond | ||
| – withhold my feelings, thoughts and behaviors | – feel responsible for getting my partner to open up and talk | ||
| – figure things out by myself | – be excessively generous & giving | ||
| – feels safer alone or in situations that are not intense | – get others’ input about what I should be doing to handle the situation | ||
| TOTAL | TOTAL |
The underlying source of the reaction
- These responses are protective defenses against underlying fears (hurts, pain, etc.).
- Reactive patterns are developed and ingrained through our childhood experiences, i.e., experiences of wounding through which we unconsciously develop our reactive style
Complete the following sentences:
When I am upset, I tend to become like a _______________________ (Tiger or Turtle)
to hide my fear of/that ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(Write the fear you think you might have that this response is hiding. For example, “being unimportant,” “that you will leave me,” “being controlled,” “that you will reject me,” etc. If it is unclear, take your best guess.)
What this feeling reminds me of from my childhood is ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
(Allow the feeling to resonate and allow it to connect to a childhood experience. It’s not necessarily logical or rational, just follow the feeling).
Good work!
Rather than looking at the faults of the other, we must recognize and own our reactive style, our own issues & where it comes from… this provides the opportunity for growth. Remember, the measure of your growth lies in your willingness to learn about yourself and risk change. And the more you grow, the more your relationship flourishes!
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