The Back Drop
Couples with whom I did marriage prep know that I give questions to discuss between sessions. The idea is to prompt them to have some meaningful discussion around important areas of their relationship (kids, money, in-laws, religion, sex). So rather than just say, “Go talk about finances,” I give structured questions to prompt the dialogue.
Often couples will say, “We knew we needed to talk about it, but didn’t know how. The questions helped us to have that discussion.” And almost uniformly they will say that they had good discussions.
And aside from a few prompts, I’m not telling them how to have the conversation. I’m just teeing it up and inviting them to take a swing.
While relationships can be hard work and there are real struggles that couples face, sometimes it’s not rocket science. And this is one of those times. I’m going to invite you to watch a movie together then have about a 45-minute discussion with questions that I will give you. And believe it not, this is research-proven to strengthen your marriage! Don’t believe me? Here’s the research to prove it. Believe me and want to skip straight to it, scroll down a little.
The Research Study
Several years ago, researchers at the University of Rochester and UCLA wanted to evaluate two different programs to see if they could help prevent divorce. And they focused on couples engaged to those married for up to 3 years because they knew that the first spike in divorce happens in the very early years of marriage. So it’s a prime group to target to see if they can make a difference.
They gathered couples and divided them into four groups… and the treatment took about a month.
- Two groups were given the therapist-led programs:
- CARE – acceptance and empathy training
- PREP – a communication skills training focusing on conflict resolution
- One group was a control group that did nothing.
- One group they wanted to give something to do, but not teach them anything beyond a 10-minute lecture about the importance of relationship awareness and how watching movies about marriage could help them pay better attention to their own behavior. The reason they created this group was to show that their interventions were what made the difference, not just doing something.
The Results
The study only took about a month, then they followed the couples for three years.
As expected, they found that the couples who received their programs did better. In fact, the divorce rate was 11% compared to 24% in the control group. And there was no difference between the CARE and PREP programs, each came in at 11%.
Now here’s what they didn’t expect. The divorce rate for the movie-watching couples was the same 11%. No different from their interventions.
Hmmm… so what do we make of it? Well, let’s go back and look at what they actually did. Remember what I said about my marriage prep couples. It wasn’t just go talk about it. It was give them a list of questions to discuss. Well, that’s what they did in the study. The couples who watch a movie – one a week – were given 11 questions to discuss for about 45 minutes after the movie.
The key: creating meaningful conversations about your marriage.
Let’s Try It
Here’s a micro version you can try. Watch this two-minute clip from Shall We Dance? In the clip, Susan Sarandon, the wife, meets Richard Jenkins, the detective she hired to follow her husband after she begins to worry that he may be having an affair. After watching the clip, spend some time discussing the questions below.
Discussion Questions:
- What are the main issues you imagine this couple faces? Are any of these similar to what you’ve experienced as a couple?
- What do you think of Susan Sarandon’s response about why people get married? (“Because we need a witness to our lives… Your life will not go unnoticed because I will be your witness.”) What do you think of this reason for marriage? In what way is this similar to or different from your reasons?
- In the end, Susan Sarandon terminates the relationship with the private detective because she feels it is wrong to violate her husband’s privacy. How do you feel about this decision?
Make a Great Date Night!
So, are you ready to improve your marriage just by watching a movie?
Click on the link to see the full list of movies used in the study and the 11 discussion questions given to the couples. Of course, you can choose other movies and use the same questions. Just pick movies in which the relationship is the central theme. Have fun!
