Growing your relationship is more about giving than getting. In that spirit, here are 10 things that you can do for your relationship right now

1. Give your Partner a Three-Sentence Appreciation

Go beyond “Thanks, honey,” to let your partner know how much what they do or who they are really impacts you.  The first sentence is sharing what you appreciate – the specific action, personality characteristic, or attribute.

Sentences two and three are the difference makers.  Express “What it means to me when you do that…” “That’s really important to me because…” “When you do that, I feel…”  These sentences come from the heart, letting your partner know how even the little things make a big difference.

2. Speak your Partner’s Love Language

We all give and receive love differently. That’s the premise of Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages (www.5lovelanguages.com). Speak your partner’s language and the sparks fly. Speak another language – probably your language – expecting those same sparks to fly and you’ll end up frustrated.

Start by going to the website to take the brief quiz to identify your love languages. The five are: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch and receiving gifts. Share the results and learn what really gives your partner that flutter in their heart. Then, most importantly, speak it!

3. Go out on a Date Night

Date night never goes out of style. In fact, the longer you’re together the more important date night becomes. Date night is all about stepping out of the busy routine and spending time with each other – just each other. And you need some face time; that means you don’t spend the whole time staring at screens.  Enjoy watching a movie? OK, just go to dinner before or grab a drink after to have that quality time together.

Plan a date night that your partner would really enjoy. Then execute it!  My other recommendation: Always have the next date night on the calendar. It keeps it alive and gives you something to look forward to, even if it is a couple of weeks away.

4. Express a Li’l Affection

Ask people what they miss during COVID, and one of the first answers is “Hugs!” We are physical beings.  Touch is important not only for the good of your relationship but your overall health and well-being. Express physical affection with a gentle touch, hug, back rub, anything that offers that touch.

And let’s go beyond the A-frame hug or peck on the cheek. Try giving each other a 1-minute hug – a full embrace with no words spoken, just soaking in each other’s presence.  We’ll amp the affection up even more in #10.

5. Give your Partner Some Grace

Grace is seeing the positive intention in your partner. It is giving them the benefit of the doubt when something goes wrong rather than reacting defensively. Giving grace starts by asking you to go inside, be with the part of you that may felt hurt by what happened and practicing self-compassion. Then offering that same compassion to your partner, even if you don’t understand why they did what they did.

The opposite of grace is contempt. Contempt is when you feel your partner is beneath you or not worthy of your time or energy. And it is the single biggest predictor of divorce. Giving grace is the vaccine.

6. Minister to the Mundane

As great as date nights are for your relationship, the reality is that most of the time is spent doing the more mundane day to day activities of life. Fun-filled events like laundry, grocery shopping or household chores. (I can feel your excitement building!)  

They are all opportunities to be of service. Without making a bid deal out of it, take on a chore for your partner that is typically their chore. Nothing says love at the end of a hectic day more than doing that sink full of dirty dishes.

7. Have a “State of Our Union” Meeting

In the rock classic, “Once in a Lifetime,” the Talking Heads lament that life is the “same as it ever was” as we’re “letting the days go by.” It leaves us asking the question, “How did I get here?” 

The “State of Our Union” Meeting provides an antidote. It is stepping out of the day to day to explore the bigger picture of the marriage. Think giving the real answers to the “how’s it going” conversation. I offer The Marriage Tune-Up! to start these discussions. You can complete the The Marriage Tune-Up! Questionnaire for free (no commitment to schedule a session) www.drmichaeld.com/marriage-wellness-sessions/.

8. Surprise!

Let’s face it, we’re creatures of habit. We could all use a little bit of spontaneity in our lives, and especially our marriage. Your partner doesn’t like surprises, you say? No worries. We’re not talking surprise party with one hundred people, just something that lifts the energy and builds those loving feelings.

Surprise your honey with a midweek trip to get ice cream, a special note in their wallet, purse, or car, or even an impromptu weekend getaway. Get creative – whether you do something big or small doesn’t matter. It will take some effort to step out of the comfort zone of your daily routine, but you won’t regret it!

9. Invite some Big Talk

Skip the small talk and create meaningful conversations. That’s the idea behind “big talk.” It’s all of those things that you don’t stop to think about amidst the busyness of life yet really appreciate when you do. Big talk discussions give you a window into your partner’s heart, mind and soul.

There are many great resources to prompt your big talk, typically lists of questions for the two of you to answer. Check out The New York Times 36 Questions to Fall in Love and Gottman Card Decks (web resources and apps for both).  

10. Have Sex!

In How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, Pat Love & Steven Stosny give 20 reasons why to have sex even when you don’t feel like it.  Among their reasons:  Sex rewires you for pleasure. Sex releases oxytocin which promotes bonding and helps you forget the little things that annoyed you. Sex is good for your health, promoting a healthier heart, prostate and immune system and cures the common cold and reducing pain. Sex is euphoric and creates passion!

Need I say more. And while we’d all like it to feel organic, you may have to intentionally set aside time to make it happen. If it’s still not happening, reach out for professional support to restore the connection.

OK, enough reading. Time to start taking action and do something for your relationship right now!

For more ideas on keeping your relationship strong, visit The Marriage Wellness Clinic.