We all know how important it is to maintain good financial health. Keep your bank account in the black and make good investments. Preeminent marriage researcher, John Gottman, applies this same concept to marriage, encouraging couples to maintain a strong Emotional Bank Account.  The Emotional Bank Account represents the positive and negative balance in your relationship.  You make deposits through positive interactions and make withdrawals through negative ones.

So how high should the balance be in your Emotional Bank Account?  Gottman would suggest at least a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, and that’s during a time of conflict.  Yes, you read that right.  Even during an argument, you want to display positive actions like understanding your partner’s perspective, empathizing with their feelings, or offering a gentle touch to stay connected.  Unless of course, you want a divorce. Here Gottman’s 40 years of research is clear: go below the magic 5:1 ratio and that’s where you’re headed. So think twice the next time you’re about to throw the eye rolls, harsh tones, and contempt in your partner’s direction.

When the bank account is high, you will probably display Positive Sentiment Override.  Put simply, this means you give each other the benefit of the doubt when something goes wrong. You assume that your partner has a good intention and remain curious about what happened rather than jump to conclusions, criticize their character, or attach it to a laundry list of past transgressions. This enables you to more effectively and efficiently address the situation at hand.

When things are going well, you want that ratio to go up to 20:1.  Yes, that’s 20 positive interactions for every one negative interaction. It’s not rocket science.  Be intentional about the simple things – send a thoughtful text, express thanks, give a hug, or just sit down together and share about your day. Get crazy and plan a date night (or go to a couple’s workshop!). A common misperception about working on your marriage is that it’s all about working on your problems. While that is necessary, it’s just as important if not more so to nurture the strengths in your relationship.  Put simply, it’s about increasing the deposits as much as it is about reducing the withdrawals.

I’m excited to have two opportunities to help you build your Emotional Bank Account during this month of love.  I’m offering my signature workshop, The Foundation, on February 12. Designed for engaged and newly married couples, The Foundation provides the wisdom and tools to help you build a conscious marriage. Then on February 26, I will be co-facilitating a half-day marriage retreat, The Marriage Boost, to renew and reenergize your relationship.