The world of modern romance may not seem a match for a contemplative lifestyle. Yet finding real connection may hinge upon exploring the very places where contemplation brings us.
Contemplative Dating is intentionally seeking out an intimate partner, being faithful to your core self. It’s about maintaining your values amidst the hook-up culture which dominates the dating landscape. It’s not about finding the right person, it’s about being the right person. In the words of Terry Hershey, “Intimacy has little to do with the other person; intimacy begins with me.”
Individual therapy can help you uncover the blocks that are preventing you from having the intimate relationship you desire. Think of it like an iceberg. Often we only see what’s above the surface and try to fix that. With romance that can look like trying a new dating site, learning some new lines, or trying out the latest online tips on how to get a partner. The reality is that ninety percent of the iceberg is beneath the surface. You need to go down there and address those underlying issues. Let’s face it, we all have baggage and we all carry that baggage into our relationships. It’s when we don’t fully recognize how that baggage is affecting us that we run into trouble – be it in finding or keeping someone. We blame the other person, or the world, or God when we need to look in the mirror.
Imago theory provides a rich understanding of the whole thing. Founded in the book, Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix, Imago provides a blueprint for understanding relationships. It helps us recognize who we’re attracted to and why. It brings clarity to the confusion of why we keep messing up. Most importantly, it provides a pathway to responding differently, communicating more effectively, and connecting more deeply in our relationships.
Imago informs the work of Contemplative Dating. Here we want to develop what I like to call The Flow. We need to have The Flow between our internal and external work. The internal work is dealing with the baggage, recognizing the patterns you repeat in relationships, learning how to stay more grounded, and becoming clear about your values and intentions. This facilitates engaging in healthier lifestyle practices and implementing more effective strategies in dating. Now you can risk being honest and vulnerable instead of playing games, maintain healthy boundaries, and build more intimacy into your relationships. The Flow is circular – the internal work guides our actions, and then we reflect upon our actions to make sure we are being true to our core self.