“The brain is good at learning from bad experiences, but bad at learning from good ones”
–  Rick Hanson

The brain is an amazing thing.  But sometimes it’s different parts don’t always work so well together.  Consider the following.  The frontal lobe of the brain is wired for connection.  We are relational beings, created in the image and likeness of a relational God, called to be in loving relationship with one another.   But when something potentially dangerous appears, the limbic system hijacks the brain, leading us into fight or flight.  Survival trumps everything here, including that need for connection.  We become vigilant about potential danger, i.e., become good at learning from bad experiences to ensure our survival.   So part of the brain desires connection, another part desires survival.

Let’s see how this plays out in relationships.  When things are going along smoothly, the limbic system is quiet, the more advanced frontal lobe is in command and you live and love; you are connected.  When some difference arises, the limbic system springs into action and your reactivity kicks in.  Typically, you’ll react in one of two ways:  You become a Tiger:  your energy goes outward, you want to talk now, get the feelings out, trying to get your point across; or, you become a Turtle:  you go inward, constricting your energy, “I’m being rational” you tell yourself as you become critical of your too emotional partner.   Both tigers and turtles want the same thing – safety, they’re just doing it in opposite ways which can keep them locked in an endless cycle of frustration.

When we learn about our own tiger or turtle tendencies, we can become more conscious of our own reactivity and learn new ways to respond.  We’ll then also be able to better focus on the good experiences and learn from them too!

Come find out if you’re a tiger or a turtle and learn how to navigate from tension to connection at my next Start Right, Stay Connected workshop on June 29.  Start Right Stay Connected is designed to provide committed, engaged and newly married couples the knowledge and skills to build a great marriage.   Click HERE for more info.